Why the Babysitter Got to Be So Hot, Dad?

I think one the biggest problems for me in life was that I was exposed to sexual things at a very young age. This happens when you hang out as a young kid with teenage boys. For all the fun that was, it was in it’s own way a learning experience, good or bad.

I also recall digging thru a friends Dad’s Playboys back as a very young kid. I still call the 70’s “the jungle years” because of those Playboy spreads.

My parents, or maybe my Dad, would inevitably get the hottest teen girl in the neighborhood to be my babysitter. For years they would go out to dinner on Friday nights, and I would be stuck with a hottie for a few hours. From the jiffy pop years, almost to the beginning of the microwave popcorn years. My sister is 10 years younger, and I don’t think I was trusted to babysit.

Well, I had crushes on all of my hot babysitters. I was like a 15 year old in a 7 year old’s body. Now I am a 15 year old in a 40 year old’s body. What’s different? I had these fantasies that each one of them would make me a man, if you know what I mean. Actually that still doesn’t sound half bad!

I would try the same scam with every babysitter. They would fall for MOST of it every time, until the clincher. I had this kid’s magic kit for years. I’d pull out the kit, start with a little sleight of hand, impress the girl. Then I’d step it up with maybe some magic rope, or disappearing water tricks. Then, once I had them in the palm of my mini-Houdini hand, I would offer to use my powers to hypnotize them.

I would hypnotize them, and to ensure that they were under, I’d make them do things like bark like a dog, crawl around, you know, demeaning hypnotized stuff. Then, I would move in on the piece de resistance, the ultimate hypnotrick. “Take your clothes off.” ALL OF THOSE GIRLS WERE FAKING BEING HYPNOTIZED. At that point the hypnotherapy would stop and they would chase me or call me some sort of sick something. I was no Houdini, apparently. Back to Stratego or Connect Four.

I had this friend Joey, about the same time, the “Star Wars” years of the 70s. We used to ride bikes, play baseball and stuff. One day, Joey decided to kiss me. Joey went home with a black eye. I don’t know if he’s still kissing boys, but he never tried to kiss me again. Funny how he was never as interested in the neighborhood girls as I was at that age, not that that was good for the neighborhood girls, but hmmm.

I think I became desensititized to sex AND violence at a very young age. My Mom would let me watch all these horror movies in the 80s. All these slasher flicks with violence and gore. Whenever there was sex or nudity, I’d have to cover my eyes, and there was a lot of sex and nudity in 80’s slasher movies. Chopped off heads, chainsaw severings, and hatchet chops were OK. In fact, they were encouraged, rewound and reviewed. It was a happy day in our house when we got the VCR with the slow motion feature. To this day if I watch a movie with my Mom, and there’s nudity, she yells at me to cover my eyes. Unfortunately I still need a hockey mask and kitchen knife for foreplay. And a Kevin Bacon cameo.

Besides having to cover my eyes for the occasional booby in a Jason, Freddie or Michael Myers movie, my parents did little censoring of the material I was exposed to. I pretty much watched, read, and listened to what I wanted. There’s a lot of sex in Duran Duran videos and Conan books. I’m still turned on by fur loinc cloths, broadswords and Antony Price silk suits.

My Mom DID ban MTV in the house when she walked in and saw The Romantic’s “Walking in Your Sleep” video. Bunch of girls sleep walking in lingerie. She should have seen my tape of Duran Duran videos, banned by MTV!

In my late teens I started working at a video store. This gave me repeated and constant access to mass quantities of porn movies, and that’s just in dealing with rentals and inventory. I guess I had to learn about proper sexual etiquette SOME HOW. Thank you Christy Canyon, Gena Lynn, Erica Boyer, Bunny Bleu. The stars of the 80s. You taught me so much.

I actually met porn legend Christy Canyon once. A friend and I…happened to be in the neighborhood…and saw a sign at a sex shop saying “Christy Canyon Signing Tonight.” We were literally the last two in line and the deal was you had to buy a video to meet her and get the video signed. It was a one porno minimum that night. But, how could I pass by meeting a woman so formative in my sexual flowering, or even deflowering?

So you’ve got a middle aged 80’s porn star either at the end of her career or trying to revive it. You’re in a sleazy sex shop, and you’ve been dealing with geeks all night who rarely leave the house, and make Christy Canyon t-shirts for themselves at home. They’re all her “biggest fan.” Then two more bozos show up.

She was actually still quite hot, and a brilliant conversationalist.

It went something like this:

Me: “Hi Christy.”

Christy: “Are you in my fan club?”

Me: “Nope.”

Christy: “What’s your name sweetie?”

Me: “John.”

Then she wrote on the cover of the “Where the Boys Aren’t VII” Video: “John- Join up! Love, Christy Canyon.”

Brilliant.

On the way into the shop, we bumped into these two "ladies of the night." I gave them the old "what's up ladies?"

One of them says "Why you goin' in there? I can be your date tonight."

I say, "Oh thank you, we're OK, have a good night though."

Like an overheating racecar, she goes from zero to ten, "WHY YOU ASKIN' ME WHAT'S UP THEN!?"

I was just bein' friendly, DAMN.

I think as a society, we’ve become much more sexualized. It’s just more pervasive on TV, movies, music and the Internet. It’s so easy to find for anyone. Kids are more aware, and more exposed. There’s sexual tension on Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel! I remember my jaw literally dropping the first time I saw Britney Spears’ first video.

Plus, it’s hormones in the chicken and milk. I read about it in Time magazine! Now you’ve got 13 year olds that look like 18 year olds. Used to be you’d hit puberty and get a training bra, now you hit puberty and get 44 double d’s! I actually knew a girl who’s Mom got her a boob job for a graduation present. She wound up working as a stripper.

Who’da thunk all those times she hung out at our pool as a teenager in that string bikini?