There’s a code of conduct when it comes to men and restrooms. Every guy should know it. If they don’t, they’re questionable. Most of it is gained from experience, some passed on from your Dad.
Guys aren’t like chicks. The restroom is not some gathering, gossiping, or meeting place. We’ve got business, we get in and get out. We need to talk to another guy, we’ll do it at the bar or the pool table.
We go one at a time. A guy’s colostomy bag could be leaking down his leg, and he’ll wait for the other guy at the table to come back.
There’s little conversation in the men’s restroom, unless you’re that drunk guy.
Using the urinal, a guy should leave as much room between the other guys as possible. Ideally, two urinals between each guy. I personally don’t like my own pee backsplash, much less someone I don’t know. Under no circumstances should a guy go to a urinal next to another guy if there’s other urinals open.
If you’re at the urinal and someone does say something to you, they’re either your friend, drunk, or foreign. Ignore them, grunt, or answer with a one word response. Don’t look over! You might accidentally see his penis. He might think you’re TRYING to look at it.
Of course, the old number 2 is a much more complicated process. You can set a watch to my bowel movements. Also, there’s three places I can poop: my house, my Mom’s house, and hotels. Other places are no go. I can wait till I get home, to mom’s or to the hotel. I used to be able to go at work, but now I work from home so it’s moot.
I appreciate a clean bathroom area. If it looks clean, it is clean. Some of the restrooms in casinos are lovely and spacious, but a bit too busy for me.
When I get ready to settle in to poop, everything has to be perfect. I like a nice comfy nest. I don’t like toilets with motion sensors. You set your nest and turn to sit, and it flushes, ruining your lovely nest.
A lot for times a guy will fart when he’s in the restroom, peeing or pooping. It’s almost like you’re announcing your presence, like an elephant trumpeting across the Serengeti during mating season.
Myself, I usually have to test the waters. If someone else is in there, I can’t just let go. I like to be like a poop submarine, poop silent, poop deep. If I’m alone, I am fine to let out a little Dizzy Gillespie trumpet solo, but I’ll have some respect if someone else is in there.
In so many ways, cats are like women, dogs are like men. There’s no difference in the fart world. Cats let out those silent killers that can clear a room, just like a woman. Ninja farts. Cats and women will pass through a room and let one fly just to mess with you. If it’s loud, stinky, or staining, they act shocked.
Dogs and mean will fart happily away in their sleep. If we do let one go while awake, we’re often proud, and enjoy the smell of our farts. Dogs will often act surprised, smell their own asses and look at anyone else in the room trying to pin the blame on them for the stinkiness.
Basically, men and dogs are loyal, we’ll follow you anywhere if we love you. We like to eat, sleep, and play. If we CAN lick ourselves we will, because we’ve already tried.
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