Starbucks is the 7-11 of the 00's

Starbucks is the 7-11 of the 00's. There's one on nearly every corner, some across the street from one another.

I never thought I'd like Starbucks when the first started popping up. I didn't used to like coffee until I started...dating...a girl who loved to hang out in coffee shops. I started with tea, then mochas, then made the jump. Now I love a little latte.

Actually the coffee jump is due to another girl I was...dating. I'd never drank it much, but did in the mornings at her place. Then of course working graveyard shifts as a janitor helped me acquire a taste for bad coffee.

As usual, I digress.

I don't know when I discovered Starbucks. Probably in some mall somewhere for convenience.

In San Diego, there's this fabulous record star called Lou's Records. Used to be you go into Lou's and if your choice wasn't cool enough, you got attitude from the staff, like you weren't as cool and well listened as they were. Starbucks is the Lou's Records of coffee shops.

Tall, grande, venti. No big, medium, small. No super size. Certainly no dollar menu. At Starbucks, tall is small, grande is big, and venti is large. It's like the place where you order a small soda, but they don't have a small soda.

In the real world, the smallest is small, the mediumest is medium, and the largest is large.

Tall things are big. Like Big and Tall.

Grande is Spanish for big. Or large.

So you've got two larges.

What's venti? It sounds whimpy. Venti should mean "small."

Somebody told me once Starbucks was trying to be "European" with the names of the drink sizes. We all know how cool the Europeans are, and that they can't win a war without us. In Starbucks in Europe do THEY get small, medium and large and try to be "American?"

I don't like places where it's a hassle to order. In N Out is awesome, because they have like 3 things. You're in and out, literally. Carl's Jr God love 'em. Sometimes the soda jerk running the window gets thrown off if you order a burger. They're all "stars" or some shit.

Ordering at Starbucks always stresses me out. It's like grande latte non-fat, sugar free vanilla. I'd like them to simply call that by my name. "The Doug." I forget what the Hell the codeword is for extra hot, so it burns your mouth when you sip it. Like the "secret menu" at In N Out. For the cool people.

My worst Starbucks experience was a run from work. I asked a co-worker what she wanted. She said "mocha latte." OK, fine with me, mocha latte. Sounds good. So I go down to the Starbucks and order the mocha latte. You would have thought I said to the girl "let's go out tonight, I'll pick you up in my panel van. I'll take you to a warehouse and torture you, then wear your skin as a dress."

She rolled her eyes and said "a mocha and a latte are two different drinks, SIR."

Then the barrista (the paramilitary coffee guy) leans over to her and says, "he means a latte." Then they snicker like I'm an idiot. Now I see the European connection. SILLY AMERICAN.

SO now I get nervous. I don't know, maybe my friend likes a mocha and latte mix like Laverne likes Pepsi and milk. I mean why can't you squeeze some chocolate in some frothy cappucino and call it a day?