rossman, the dj in tj

So, back in the day when San Diego's 91X was still THE radio station, they had this wahcky DJ, Rossman. We called him and he had us come into the station to hang out and interview him. We wound up going to Tijuana for an adventurous night!

Ok, so Rossman had never been partying in Tijuana before. It was late on a Wednesday night, about midnight or so. We were down at the studio hangin’ with the Rossman. He wanted to go have some fun. We didn’t have anything else to do. It’s not like we have jobs or wives and kids and dogs and station wagons and houses with white picket fences and mistresses waiting at rent by the hour motels or something. Nonetheless, it turned out to be a very interesting night, let me tell you.

Rossman was driving a rented convertible and let me tell you it is cold at midnight driving down the freeway in an open car. So, here we are heading down to our destination, that lovely little border town we call TJ. (With the top down, of course). It was pretty funny on the way down when Rossman pretended he had to vomit and Greg thought he was going to get his lap warmed by some beef stewage. Greg swerved across the freeway to pull over, and Rossman started howling and beating Greg on the back.

We arrived at a border parking lot, and parked the car after waking the attendant. Rossman then taught me an ‘old New Orleans trick’ and put his cigarette out on my tongue. It was sort of cool. Your not supposed to swallow the ashes like I did though. Make sure your tongue is REALLY wet too.

As we walked across the border we told Rossman the ‘Rules of TJ’ and he told us he wanted to spend the night in a Mexican jail. We explained to him that that was something we DIDN’T want to do and proceeded to tell him the rules. ‘No fights, no peeing in public, no talking back to cops, watch your wallet and money, keep an eye on your beer, don’t fall in love with strippers...’ and so on and so forth. Rossman agreed to the rules and we continued on our merry journey.

We got a taxi after haggling about the price for awhile. I mean come on! There were three of us and the guy wanted $3 a head at 2:30AM on a Wednesday night! We got him down to $6 total ‘ plus teep’ and hopped in. It must have been ‘coupon night’...el noche de couponos. Rossman proceeded to have fun with the taxi guy, mumbling random incoherent Spanish words like ‘pantalones’ and ‘camisa’. The taxi driver thought Rossman was ‘barracho y loco’. It is amazing how perceptive taxi drivers can be. They truly have their finger on the pulse of society. The taxi guy brought us to Revolucion and kicked us out.

Rossman wanted to see naked women. (Well, o.k. not just Rossman). We walked down towards the world famous Bambi Club, and became side tracked at some random dance club filled with young drunk women and passed out frat boys. Surprisingly though many places were closed or closing. We didn’t have much to choose from but went where we could and where they didn’t charge us cover.

As soon as we went into the club, Rossman got hit with three poppers in a row, where some friendly guy grabs you around the neck, pours tequila down your throat and shakes your head. Rossman looked like he enjoyed the first two but didn’t seem happy about the third. We had to chase the little Mexican tequila boy off and give him $2 to shut up and leave us alone. He tried to grab me and do me one, but ever since my prison time I’ve had a problem with other guys coming up behind me and grabbing me. The friendly look I gave him made him change his mind. I’m the only allowed to pour tequila down my throat. We bought a couple beers and were not too shocked that the sign outside had been mistaken...I guess the 50 cent beers were $3 on Wednesdays.

We left here after a while and Rossman still wanted to see naked women. We went down to the world famous Bambi Club to give Rossman what he wanted. He really had to twist our arms to get us to go with him let me tell you. I thought that it was some Disney store or something, like Bambi on ice or some shit. I was shocked when I found out it was one of those houses of ill repute! A strip bar! Oh my!

There was a very sexy American girl dancing on stage when we went in, who we immediately took a liking to, especially Rossman. We were approached by a drunken frat boy who told us he knew all the best brothels and to ‘look out for the chick in the back, cuz she’s a guy!’ He told us he knew a brothel with 16 year old girls. I told him ‘I’m not into molesting children’ and we walked away. He seemed very hurt.

We were seated close to the stage and ordered some beers. Rossman then asked the ‘waiter’ for a 10’ piece of plastic wrap and some rolling paper. He got the plastic but no rolling paper. We watched the cute girl dance and yell at the DJ (not Rossman) for playing ‘the wrong fucking song again!’ We placed a dollar bill on the stage and she came and danced up close for us. ‘That’s not bad for a dollar!’

There was a lull between girls and songs and Rossman addressed the crowd with some words to live by: ‘42 in a 57, we’ve got 4 boats out and surf’s up in La Jolla!’ This was like being out with Rainman, bizarre but very cool. We should have gone to Vegas.

Then our friend came and sat with us and bribed Rossman into buying her a beer. They struck up a conversation and Rossman actually seemed shy and at a loss for words! I couldn’t believe it. One of the seven signs of the apocalypse when Rossman has nothing to say.

Greg got up and went to the bathroom and came back and told me to be careful if I had to pee. He’d just been forcefully felt up by the transvestite in the back and he/she was not very gentle about it. I decided to go see for myself. Greg went along to hold my hand, but alas our transvestite friend had disappeared into the dark cruel night. Anyway, the bathrooms at Bambi’s give a new meaning to unsanitary, let me tell you. If you think the Tijuana river is dirty, go take a whizzer at the Bambi Club.

We went and sat back down with Rossman, and chased some woman off. I think it was a woman. It was now 4AM and I guess Bambi had to get back to the woods cuz the club was closing. What a shame. The place is a cesspool and gives new meaning to depravity. But, hey The Pit boys have to please our clients, don’t we?

We headed out the door and told the waiter he worked in a dirty, repulsive cesspool and he more or less agreed with us. He told us on Saturdays you can’t even walk in the place. Nothing like TJ for wholesome family entertainment is there kids?

We passed some sidewalk stand that was selling some sort of bizarre sausage/hotdog looking thing that Rossman somehow found to look appetizing. We told him if he ate it he’d be shitting water out of his ass the whole next day. He decided to pass.

We then found another poor taxi diver for Rossman to harass on the way back to the border. When we got to the border, Rossman wouldn’t let the taxi driver leave without a hug. We then proceeded through customs, and Rossman told the customs guy that he had a great time and loved Mexico. Rossman seemed so happy, the customs guy growled, ‘What did he get laid or something?’

Across the border, Rossman decided he wanted to get his Mom an authentic Tijuana souvenir. It has hard to decide between the ceramic Jesus and Mary, the Nazi skull or Mickey Mouse. Rossman decided he wanted Mickey Mouse surfing, but this popular model was not available. We did find Bart Simpson surfing and settled on that little gift from the heart for a mere $5. What a bargain!

We then crawled back to the car and climbed in. Rossman stayed awake long enough to turn the music up really loud and put the top down again. He then fell asleep, or passed out, depending on your opinion of the situation.

We picked up our car and got Rossman home safe and sound. We dropped him off and exchanged hugs and ‘I love you’s’ and a couple of high fives. This is how the Rossman shows affection, and rarely lets you get away without some of that Louisiana Love Doctor lovin’.
Overall, it was a fun night. Rossman is a great guy, if not a little crazy. He just likes to have fun. Not surprisingly, he sounded just fine the next night on the radio. This guy can take about as much as he gives...and he loves you!!