Sex Is Like Pizza

Over the years, and relationships, I’ve learned not to put sex first. This has allowed me to appreciate other things, beyond pure sex. I’ve learned that sex should enhance, not dominate a relationship. Plus, there’s always masturbation. I like to call it “training for battle.” When they get the call, my boys will be ready. Some of them might not make it back, but they’ll put up a good fight.

Tears me up to think about it.

Someday there might be a knock on my testicles, there will be bad news. His fellow sperms will know he put up a good fight though. God knows I’ve killed enough of them already one way…or another.

I gotta tell ya though, women are like rocks. My wife is like a camel in the desert, doesn’t bother her at all. Sure, a woman will rip off your clothes, tell you to spank them and pull their hair, but it’s like “Clap on, clap off” for them. No pun intended. When a woman is in the mood for love it’s a beautiful thing, but if the wind changes direction, all bets could be off. You’re looking at an often narrow window of opportunity. It’s like the Millenium Falcon jumping into hyperspace. Everything has to be perfect for Han and Chewbacca. It’s the same for women and sex.

Guys are different. I could be on a two wheeled cart dragging bloody stumps behind me where my legs used to be, bleeding from a massive headwound, barely conscious. I’ll still want to get laid. It’s my duty to spread my seed, procreate and pollute the Earth with my offspring. My duty to bust that booty!

Getting aroused for a woman is like planning a multi-national invasion or a space shuttle launch. Everything must be perfect, all the planets must be aligned. One wrong move and you’re cutting the blue wire instead of the red on a ticking time bomb, there may be no chance to make it out alive. You could take out the whole block, or the city itself.

Guys are much easier by nature to arouse. Your sleeping next to your girl and she moves in her sleep and you’re ready. She moans in her sleep, you think she’s saying “take me now big boy.” A sigh and a butt wiggle will set us off. We’re like special forces, ready to go in anytime, anywhere, at a moment’s notice. If only we could sometimes perform our mission without detection like special forces.

To me, sex is like pizza. Pizza is always good. There are all different kinds of pizza and a million pizza places, but it’s all good.

It’s pizza for Godsakes.

Some pizza is frozen, some is fresh. Some pizza you drive an hour for, other pizza gets delivered to your house. Sometimes you just want a slice, sometimes you eat a whole extra large pie yourself. That’s right, I said “pie.” That’s what we call it where I’m from, New York.

Somebody’s always gotta try and top your pizza. Everybody knows where the best pizza is. I say, find a pizza you like and stick with it. When you’re younger, you’re going to want to try a bunch of different pizza places, and you probably will. I encourage you to find your pizza and stick with it. Loyalty is good.

Anyway, it’s a good thing that men and women are wired differently, and have different sex drive levels. You don’t need 30 kids running around the house, unless you’re trying to get yourself some reality show. Second, you’ve got stuff to do. If your wife wanted sweet lovin’ as often as a guy, nothing would ever get done.

Now don’t get all offended, but being gay would be hard for me, besides the gay bashing and anal sex part, and my ass rule. Listen, I like to shop and dress nice and drink wine and hang out with the boys. When it comes to my ass however, nothing goes on, in, near or around my ass. I don’t even like to touch it, much less have someone else touch it. Pooping is fun though.

Gay men are men first and foremost. They’re going to want sex all the time. It’s like the law of the jungle, and the gay bar is wild kingdom. Don’t be the gay zebra straggling along at the back of the herd, because I guarantee there’s a gay cheetah waiting to pounce on you and take you down, or at least into a stall in the men’s room.

Try having sex when you get a dog. If you plan to have kids, you’ll probably get a dog first. It’s like the tester kid. Your wife or girlfriend is testing you. The dog sex thing might become an issue. When you’re fellin’ all lovey you can’t kick the dog out, it’ll scratch to get in anyway. They’ll either already be in there asleep at their master’s feet, or you’ll have to let them in.

Don’t look over at the dog during sex, it will disturb you. It’ll be looking at you trust me, wondering what the Hell you’re doing to Mom. Some dogs just stare, others growl, some do that head twist thing like they don’t understand. Just hope you don’t have an attacker. That’s the last thing you need. Not only because it can be painful, but if you get used to a pit bull locking jaws on your ass while you’re doin’ it…it’s just sick and probably illegal. Probably legal in California though.

Don’t have the friendly dog in the room either. You could be goin’ at it and suddenly feel a tickling down at your balls. Sure, you’ll probably think, “damn, baby’s gettiin’ FREAKY, she’s been readin’ the COSMO. How’s the DOIN’ that, I can see both of her hands!” You don’t want to come to the chilling realization that it’s the friendly dog teabagging you. The worst part is going to be deciding whether or not to let him FINISH or to shoo him away. You can give him a red rocket later for payback.

After you’re finished, the dog may be traumatized. Put yourself in his paws, he just saw and heard some strange shit. He probably won’t make eye contact for a while, and may run and hide when you walk up behind him and put a hand on either shoulder for a few days. The best approach is to soothe your animal, talk assuringly and tell him something like “I wasn’t hurting Mommy, she liked it.” If that doesn’t work you could always try doggie style, wear his collar during sex or use references like “giving the dog a bone” when talking about sex.

The old biological clock can put pressure on you to settle down. In some cases it’s a biological timebomb ticking away. She’ll say her eggs are rotting. That doesn’t make up for all the wasted sperm in all those kleenexes over the years now does it? If they could extract donations from old kleenex down at the sperm bank, there would be many rich men. Talk about a get rich quick scheme!

I suggested to my wife that we could harvest her eggs with a turkey baster and freeze them. Be careful though, you don’t want to accidentally down the precious cargo when stumbling around the freezer for an Eggo. Egg whites, ONLY please. Donated, human eggs can fetch up to $20,000. That’s a high price for you mistaking little Donny’s future for a frozen oyster shooter.

The human female only produces a set number of eggs in her lifetime. I don’t know if it’s a dozen pack, but if it was, not as many guys would be settling down.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for test driving a car before you buy it. You have to take the car out of the lot, and around the block a few times. See how the ride is, see how the cushions feel, how much pounding the shocks can handle. I’m not saying to put a 100,000 miles on it before you buy it, just get some idea of how she handles.

I’m sure our parents were the same way. I bet your Dad still washes and waxes the old ride every once in a while. Sure, the colors faded and the fenders are a little dinged. The headlights may be dimmer, but the old ride will still get you there. It’s all about reliability.

That rides going to be in your garage for a long time once you buy it. That’s a one car garage, by the way.