Why I Laugh At Boobies

I was exposed to horror movies at a very young age, and it’s had a lasting effect. Seeing the Jaws 2 at 6, Jaws soon after, the Exorcist at 10, and Psycho at 11 changed my life.

I cannot go in the ocean today and not think about Jaws.

I cannot get in the shower and not think about being attacked by a nut job dressed as his mother, with a knife.

My parents took me to see Jaws 2 while we were on summer vacation at the Jersey Shore. This was before Snookie and the Situation were even BORN. In all their wisdom, they thought it would be a fun movie for a little kid to see, in the theater, while staying at the beach. “Have fun in the water tomorrow son!”

Soon after, at my aunt’s house, on something new called “HBO” I saw Jaws. I was warned it was going to be scary and asked if I could handle it. What was I going to say? I was good until fisherman Ben’s head pops out of the bottom of the boat with the eye protruding. Scared the Hell out of me. I was then decided I couldn’t handle the rest of the movie so I was sent to bed. Alone. Show a kid a movie, scare the Hell out of him, and then punish him.

Exorcist was actually part of a movie marathon. One of those all day/all night BBQs where the parents eat and drink and the kids hang out. Our neighbors had this new thing called a VCR. Played movies on tapes. We started with The Howling, then Alien, then King Kong 77. That’s a lot of movies. Then the moms showed up and wanted to know what we were watching. Then suggested we all watch Exorcist. Told us it was scary, asked if we could handle it. What were we going to say? Still the scariest movie ever. That night after we went home was probably the longest night of my life. Everything was the devil or that possessed chick coming to take me away.

The 80s horror movie explosion coupled with movie channels on cable TV was a boon for the corruption of my innocence and my desensitization to sex and violence. Halloween movies, Friday the 13th movies, Nightmare on Elm Street movies, as well as any number of formulaic knock-offs with a killer and teen sex.

My mom held the VCR remote, and controlled the universe. Whenever there was a particularly gory killing, she’d utilize the remote to relive, reexamine, and review. As VCRs and remote functions improved, so did our examination of the slasher killings. Mom was the queen of the remote, and could capture details with pause, rewind, and slow mo, that the best CSI labs couldn’t get.

We would watch every killing in gruesome detail, over and over. However, when the inevitable sex scene or boob shot came along, my mother would frown and make me cover my eyes. Funny thing was, I was cool with the scenes, and it was my Mom with the issues.

My Dad hated horror movies. On movie nights when we were going to watch one, he’d get up, mumble something like “enjoy your crap” and wonder off to bed. Of course, it could be 5 minutes, or 50 minutes later, and he sex or nudity could only last for 5 seconds. That was the time he’d come stumbling out for a glass of water, or to the bathroom. He’d stare at the TV and groan “what the Hell are you watching!?”

To this day when I watch a movie with my Mom, she still tells me to cover my eyes if there’s nudity or sex. I tell her I’ve actually seen real boobies up close. Of course now, I might be more uncomfortable seeing this stuff with my Mom than when I was a kid. I was watching a horror movie with my father-in-law a couple of years ago, and a fairly graphic sex scene came on. I told him “sorry, I had no idea…” He said, “It’s OK, I like boobies!”

So I suppose in some way, all this has desensitized me to violence on TV and in movies. Nothing really fazes me, not even the news. Now that I have kids and dogs, sometimes violence towards kids and animals bothers me. Even if the kids or animals are evil.

I can’t watch breaking bones or dislocating limbs, real or fake. That DOES bother me. I’ve never seen the Joe Theisman broken leg clip all the way through. Probably because I’ve dislocated my knees so many times, so I can empathize a little more.

Nevertheless, I still giggle when I see onscreen boobies. Plus, I still call them “boobies.”

Ike Turner Will Beat You With a Shoe

Some time back, I had multiple Ike Turner experiences within a one-year span. The Ike Turner of Tina Turner, Rocket 88, of the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, and of “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

Ike Turner experience one was at a sushi buffet place in the local mall. One of those buffets where you pay $20 for all you can eat. Sure, the sushi’s not that great, but you’re getting sushi for pretty cheap. Come to think of it, there are good sushi places that charge $20. Ok, so infamous music legends apparently eat here too.

I am sitting there with my at the time girlfriend, who is now my wife. There was this guy a table over who looked very familiar to me, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. At first I thought I was Laurence Fishburne, but it wasn’t.

So this guy is talking loudly and looking around like he wants to be seen and heard, and recognized. Basically, stealing my moves. Then he comes out with “So I said to myself, I said to myself, IKE! Don’t you want to get on that bus!?”

I leaned over the table and said to my girlfriend, “That’s Ike Turner over there.” I knew he looked familiar.

My girlfriend didn’t believe me. I informed her he looked familiar, had just called himself, “Ike,” and that I knew Ike Turner lived in the area. Plus I knew he was broke, so the sushi buffet wouldn’t be a stretch.

I knew Ike lived in the area because a guy I worked with rented a house to him. This guys whips it out in conversation one day, “I rent a house to Ike Turner.” And of course I asked him if he beat Ike with a shoe if the rent was late. He didn’t get the joke. Must not have seen the movie.

The Second Ike Turner experience was at the local Albertson’s. It was a couple of months later; I’m shopping along, trying to find stuff. There’s Ike Turner at the meat counter, waving his arms around like Tina Turner doing “Proud Mary.” Once again, he’s talking loudly, seeking that validation. “Don’t you know who I am!? I’m Ike Turner!” I don’t think the butcher knew who he was, but cut his meat thin anyway, “just for you Mr. Turner.”

Ike’s landlord told me Ike carried a bunch of signed photos in the trunk of his car, in hopes of giving them out if a fan recognizes him. Or if anyone recognizes him.

My girlfriend has firsthand knowledge of this. She was sitting at a stoplight near the aforementioned Albertson’s. She got home and said “some brother dressed like a pimp banged on my window at a stoplight and tried to get me to roll down the window.” She told him no, and he tried to slip a signed photo in the small open part of her window. She refused it and shooed him off. I would’ve taken it. When she got home and told me the story, the first thing I asked was if it was Ike. She said, “That’s why he looked familiar!”

Ike had this kind of aura about him, something that a lot of celebrities or musicians have. It’s a kind of confidence in many of them, and “I know you know who I am” kind of thing. With Ike, it was slightly different. More needy, like “I HOPE you know who I am.”

Ike denied Tina’s abuse claims till his death, of a heart attack in that house he rented from the guy I used to work with. He was always planning some kind of comeback, but those allegations, and Tina’s success always dogged him. Despite, he remained at lease a relatively respected musician, in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, co-wrote “Rocket 88” which some attribute the first rock n roll song, and of course, helped launch the career of Tina Turner.

Sarah Palin Is Scary

I don't HATE Sarah, I don't think she's qualified to lead the country. I like that she reminds me of Tina Fey, because I love Tina Fey, and even have a dog named Tinafey. Her first name actually was Sarahpalin, but it made people uncomfortable.

She’s kind of hot in that hot librarian kind of way. And how can you not love someone who hunts and kills bears for fun?

I think people discuss her because she seems to be a viable candidate to the Republican Party. I think leadership in that party has declined, and they are scrambling for viable candidates. All the old school guys are getting too old or dying off, or learning the shoe codes for gay sex in restrooms.

I thought it was unprofessional and disrespectful to wink three times in a vice presidential debate.

I do have an issue with her not being able to name any magazines or newspapers she reads to keep up on current events, in a big national interview, when you are a VP candidate.

She's got no foreign policy experience, but she used to almost be able to see Russia from her house.

Now she's a correspondent for Fox news, noted for getting their facts wrong. No news agency or publication is without bias.

I have a problem with someone if they have to write their three main points on their hand when speaking in front of a major influential group, cross out one and still flub it. Maybe it said “milk, bread, and condoms.” No, she doesn’t believe in condoms.

She has little political experience. The town she was mayor of has been financially ruined, she was Alaskan gov for 2 years, and QUIT. She let the people that elected her down. Further, it's been documented and investigated that she abused her power in that short time she was gov, before she quit.

She preaches abstinence, no birth control, and has a teenage daughter that got knocked up. Wonder why?

She wants "scientific creationism" taught in schools.

Sarah Palin scares people because they can relate to her more than Lil Kim, Osama, and Ack-min-a-jad.

Barack Obama may have a poor resume, but he's President. Hope and change. I know, "how's that hope and change working out for you?" OK so far, because it's hope and change. President Obama said it would take time, wouldn't be easy. He's admitted it is tougher than he thought it would be. It's a new era; the WWII guys are dying off. Time for new directions and leadership, the old ways don't work anymore. Strong-arming, threatening, or ignoring issues doesn't work.

And Yes, I voted for Obama, and would again. I am not a Republican or Democrat, I've been an independent for years.

Unfortunately, Obama’s a terrible speaker, has no experience, can’t produce his birth certificate, and is the anti-christ. And a radical muslim sent to overthrow the US from the inside.

You don't have to be smart to be VP. Look at Quayle. That's more the nature of the job. Statistically you won't become president during your VP term. Biden will never be president. Neither will Palin. Neither will I.

I don't think I'm sexist towards Palin, because "what's wrong with being sexy?" See early librarian thing, Tina Fey, etc.

Palin is the anti-Hilary Clinton. Hilary’s a tough broad, thick ankled, not that attractive, known to be a bit bitchy, experienced. Palin is attractive, cutesy in her manner and speak, quirky, and…a rogue. Someone is spinning her to save the GOP, she can’t do it herself. Somewhere there’s an eviler Carl Rove walled away somewhere.

I do have a religious prejudice though. I don't agree with her religious beliefs or stances.

I am fine with attractive women being leaders, and I understand the uphill battle women still fight. But you have to be competent and capable. I don't think she is. Other people can, but she'll never get my vote for anything. Maybe for “hottest VP candidate ever.”

I do want to read her book though. After I read Twilight, and the Left Behind series.

I do have solutions for Bin Laden, Kim, and Ah-ma-jinad. For Bin Laden, we ask the Pakistanis if they like their mountains. If they say "yes" we say "good, you have two weeks to bring us Bin Laden, or we make your mountain ranges go away with many bombs."

For Kim, we can send him tainted porn and booze, or just invade his country and force democracy on his people. That's worked in the past.

For Ah-ma-jinad, we can send him tainted porn and booze, and holocaust documentaries to bum him out, or just invade his country and force democracy on his people. That's worked in the past.

What’s the Deal With Braille?

So, what’s the deal with Braille at ATM machines? Not only regular ATMs mind you but DRIVE UP ATMs as well. Do blind guys drive around and suddenly have this feeling “there’s an ATM--I need some money” hit them?

Why the hell do you need Braille at a drive up ATM? How many blind guys do you see driving cars? How many blind guys see themselves driving cars?

Maybe those of us gifted with sight drive our cars backwards through the ATM so our blind as a bat friends can get some beer money for the night.

Maybe they do this not for blind people but for one blind person. Maybe it’s all for Stevie Wonder. Stevie might need $20 every once and a while, just like you and me. I heard Stevie drives himself around all the time. Yeah, right. He drives himself around and hits a tree while looking for an ATM.

What’s that Braille anyway? How the Hell are you supposed to read that stuff? It all feels like little bumps to me. I’ve even tried closing my eyes to try and relate to it. It don’t work.

There’s also Braille on elevator doors. How many blind people are wondering around the hall themselves looking for a way up or down? If they can even FIND the elevator without being able to see, I don’t think they need a way to tell them it’s there.

Same deal with hotel room signs. Is it in case that same blind guy wandering the halls looking for the elevator needs to get back to his room? He found his way up or down, let’s help him get back to his room.

I think this guy wandering the hall is going to have someone with him, especially in a hospital. There’s Braille on hospital signs too.

OK let’s says the guy needs the signs to navigate the building. Point is, he had to GET there somehow. Chances are someone drove him. I think that person should be helping out, like an assistant.

I hope I don’t often any blind people, especially Stevie. I’m just asking some valid questions. I haven’t heard of Braille computers yet. But they do have Braille at ATMs now, ya know!