The Hoochieness of the Disney Princess

My wife recently said to me, “I think you’re a little obsessed with the princesses.”

The Disney princesses that it is.

On a daily basis, I am literally surrounded by Disney. And nowadays Disney means princesses.

We have two young kids, and kids love Disney. Movies, TV shows, toys.

We have the passes since we live in Southern California, and go to Disneyland a few times a year, especially for each of their birthdays. My son love Cars, my daughter loves all the princesses.

I’m no animephile, but some of those princesses are HOT. Cinderella is so pretty and clean, a diamond in the rough. Snow White is self admittedly pure as the driven snow. How hot is THAT!? Sleeping Beauty spends most of her time on her back. Mulan is for the Asian persuasion, Pocahontas for the natural lovers. Ariel, the Little Mermaid wears not much more than a fishtail and a shell bra.

My daughter has all the princess dolls and costumes.

One of the princess dolls definitely stands out as the hoochiest. Jasmine from Alladdin. She’s olive skinned. She’s got a crop top and genie pants. She’s got abs and obliques and a belly button. She’s the only princess doll wearing a thong. She has to though because her genie pants are see through. Too bad the slave girl outfit from the movie wasn’t an accessory. Who can blame Aladdin and Jaffar for wanting to ride that carpet? I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes?

Oddly enough, the Jasmine doll always winds up laying nude next to the Prince Eric doll from Little Mermaid. He’s always nude too. Pisses the other princesses off, especially Ariel. All poor Eric has is a little bulge. I guess Jasmine is getting whatever she can. When she can.

Every time we go to Disney, I wonder what the poor girls who play the princess characters have to put up with? How many pictures do they have to take with creepy Dads? Do their boyfriends make them sneak the costumes home now and again?

I’ve seen ads for “Princess Characters” to come to your party. They’re not the Disney princesses, but close enough. They just can’t infringe the Disney trademarks. I wonder how many bachelor parties try to get them, or how many birthday parties they go to like “Bobby’s” where Bobby is the only one there, he’s 40 and live in his Mom’s basement.

Where are the moms of these princesses? Think about it. Disney doesn’t like moms. Not just the princess movies, but also all the Disney movies. The moms are usually dead, die, are weak, or go crazy. That doesn’t even mention the bad step moms, like Cinderella and Snow White’s.

The moms that are around are weak. Lion King’s mom shacked up with her husband’s brother after he died. Dumbo’s mom went apeshit and got locked up. Sleeping Beauty’s mom gave her away.

If a mom is there and isn’t crazy, you know she’s going to get whacked. Sometimes we get attached and she gets take down like Bambi’s mom. Sometimes we think we’ll get attached and she’s ripped away, like Nemo’s mom. She seemed cool, but…

I’m telling you, Disney hates moms, but loves hoochie princesses.

Ode to Jennifer Love Hewitt

This is an old one, written after Jennie Love Hewitt moved on from Party of Five, long before Medium and Jamie Kennedy. For some reason, she's always bugged me...

I remember the first time I saw Party of Five. There's this psychological theory that says if we go through some traumatic event, we try to make the best of it so we can deal with it and hopefully make it through.

I tried to drool over the girls. Neve Campbell was pretty cute till she opened her mouth. I remember seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt and thinking "hey that scrawny could be hot if she only had boobs." Lacy Chrebet was too young to note, but who knew the hotness she would blossom into?

Sometimes I don't realize my own power. My words came back to haunt me. Be careful what you wish for.

It was a slow night, not much at the movie store. I picked up I Know What You Did Last Summer, Jennifer Love Hewitt's (JLOHEWs) first foray into the film world, I think. The cover of the video features JLOHEW in the foreground with these suddenly giant bazooms. On the cover, all revolved around her boobs, it's like they were the twin suns of Tatooine.

Her boobs were like costars in the film, they should have had their own double billing. Thank God they survived. Not ALL of her friends for killed in the movie.

After viewing the film, I knew what JLOHEW did last summer. She got some boobs. Hewitt had become code for "huge tits." Problem is, she's got these porno knockers on this twig of a body. They're bigger than her head. I'm hunched over when SHE walks and MY back hurts. Her bra straps cut into MY shoulders.

JLOHEW broke on of my rules. Two word: PRO PORTION. The rule of proportion. Boobs have to be proportionate to the body. Subtlety is an art, even if it looks good in a sweater. Maybe they WANTED to distract people from the plot.

If Party of Five did a reunion, it would have to be Party of Seven because of JLOHEWs boobs.

Now we know why Neve did the steamy makeout scene with Denise Richards in Wild Things. She had to do something to counter JLOHEWs boob job.

JLOHEW used to push Noxema. Maybe if she rubbed it on her boobs, they'd shrink down a bit, into proportion.

Starbucks is the 7-11 of the 00's

Starbucks is the 7-11 of the 00's. There's one on nearly every corner, some across the street from one another.

I never thought I'd like Starbucks when the first started popping up. I didn't used to like coffee until I started...dating...a girl who loved to hang out in coffee shops. I started with tea, then mochas, then made the jump. Now I love a little latte.

Actually the coffee jump is due to another girl I was...dating. I'd never drank it much, but did in the mornings at her place. Then of course working graveyard shifts as a janitor helped me acquire a taste for bad coffee.

As usual, I digress.

I don't know when I discovered Starbucks. Probably in some mall somewhere for convenience.

In San Diego, there's this fabulous record star called Lou's Records. Used to be you go into Lou's and if your choice wasn't cool enough, you got attitude from the staff, like you weren't as cool and well listened as they were. Starbucks is the Lou's Records of coffee shops.

Tall, grande, venti. No big, medium, small. No super size. Certainly no dollar menu. At Starbucks, tall is small, grande is big, and venti is large. It's like the place where you order a small soda, but they don't have a small soda.

In the real world, the smallest is small, the mediumest is medium, and the largest is large.

Tall things are big. Like Big and Tall.

Grande is Spanish for big. Or large.

So you've got two larges.

What's venti? It sounds whimpy. Venti should mean "small."

Somebody told me once Starbucks was trying to be "European" with the names of the drink sizes. We all know how cool the Europeans are, and that they can't win a war without us. In Starbucks in Europe do THEY get small, medium and large and try to be "American?"

I don't like places where it's a hassle to order. In N Out is awesome, because they have like 3 things. You're in and out, literally. Carl's Jr God love 'em. Sometimes the soda jerk running the window gets thrown off if you order a burger. They're all "stars" or some shit.

Ordering at Starbucks always stresses me out. It's like grande latte non-fat, sugar free vanilla. I'd like them to simply call that by my name. "The Doug." I forget what the Hell the codeword is for extra hot, so it burns your mouth when you sip it. Like the "secret menu" at In N Out. For the cool people.

My worst Starbucks experience was a run from work. I asked a co-worker what she wanted. She said "mocha latte." OK, fine with me, mocha latte. Sounds good. So I go down to the Starbucks and order the mocha latte. You would have thought I said to the girl "let's go out tonight, I'll pick you up in my panel van. I'll take you to a warehouse and torture you, then wear your skin as a dress."

She rolled her eyes and said "a mocha and a latte are two different drinks, SIR."

Then the barrista (the paramilitary coffee guy) leans over to her and says, "he means a latte." Then they snicker like I'm an idiot. Now I see the European connection. SILLY AMERICAN.

SO now I get nervous. I don't know, maybe my friend likes a mocha and latte mix like Laverne likes Pepsi and milk. I mean why can't you squeeze some chocolate in some frothy cappucino and call it a day?